Flares… ugh… Arguably one of the worst parts of my autoimmune life is the dreaded flare. For those of you that don’t know, a flare is a temporary exacerbation in your symptoms. A flare can last for a few days, weeks or months. They are unbearably painful, frustrating and sometimes depressing.
I have been in a flare for a few days now. I’ve been having muscle and joint pain, migraines and my Raynauds is absolutely out of control. It’s nearly 90 degrees here in Washington state, and I’m curled up under a heating blanket fighting off the incessant cold that seems to come out of nowhere. I don’t take anything for pain besides Ibuprofen, which is not even touching it this time.
I try to find something to do to occupy my mind. I spend time crocheting and surfing the web, reading and writing (when my hands aren’t hurting too much), and binge watching Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix. If I don’t occupy my mind, the searing depression sets in quickly. I tend to get wrapped up in the idea that I am not allowed to rest since I have a family depending on me for certain functions within our household. Luckily, I’m blessed with a husband that cooks and cleans and will do anything else that I need him to. He’s always harping on me to rest when I’m hurting. It’s literally the only thing we argue about. He wants me to rest, and I want to feel like I have some worth left in me.
Most days aren’t as bad as today, and I can muddle through all of my daily duties. On days like this, I like to remind myself that the best part of bad days is that they must end eventually. I cling to this hope with everything that I’m worth, take a deep breath and keep pushing through the day.
I’m the type of girl that’s always gotta be doing something. I’m always on-the-go, working on a project or running an errand. Until recently, I was still physically able to do all of these things, and keep moving from morning until night. Such is not the case anymore… These days I have more bad days than good ones. I’m fatigued all of the time, and still I feel too guilty to let myself rest. Learning to let go of who and how I was has proven to be one of the more difficult aspects of navigating my autoimmune life. Even though I feel like a failure for giving into it, I know that I have no other choice than to conform to my new reality and rest my damn body.
Stay strong my fellow autoimmune warriors!