Cue My Anxiety

After years of avoiding going to the doctor’s office, I now have more appointments than ever before.  I have multiple autoimmune and chronic illnesses that require care and keeping up with all of them is downright exhausting!  I now have 6 specialists that I must see and keeping track of the appointments is a true chore.  I keep joking that I have more doctors than friends these days, but it’s really not that funny because in my case it is the truth.

Next month I have two different ultrasounds, a fibroscan, an EGD and a liver biopsy.  I struggle with medical anxiety and it’s a battle just to get me into the doctor’s office for regular check-ups, let alone surgical procedures.  I’m freaking out already when I know I shouldn’t even stress on these things… stressing about it certainly does not make the outcome any better.

In addition to the stress and anxiety of the actual appointments, I spend way too much time worrying about what the test results will be.  Has my disease progressed?  Are my liver levels high?  What stage am I now?  All of these are the thoughts that rob me of my sleep at night.  I just can’t figure out how to shut it off…

I have seen three of my specialists so far, but I’m still awaiting initial consults with three more.  Part of me is afraid that I’m getting lost in the pile of referrals and the other part of me is glad that I can avoid the Hell of my medical anxiety for just a little while longer.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to juggle six different specialists at one time anyway.  This is literally a full-time job!

Before I was autoimmune, I had no idea that this is what life is like for people struggling with this and other chronic diseases.  It takes up all of your free time, your peace, your sanity.  It robs you of your sleep and worry seeps in unexpected.  Every aspect of your life is taken over by this new lifestyle that is now required.  It turns your life upside down for awhile.  It took me two years to adjust to my autoimmune life, and in some ways I’m still struggling to adjust.  Maybe I always will…