Waiting to Die

be56d8a0-0abe-4503-b262-5e3c12e50f4bIf you’ve been following this blog or my health journey in general, you know that I have been suffering and struggling with chronic pelvic pain for several years.  I’ve been seeing both a gynecologist and a urologist trying to get to the bottom of this extremely painful issue.  My urologist has done 5 bladder instillations, and is now planning a cystoscopy with hydrodistention.  My gynecologist has sent me to physical therapy for pelvic pain, urology and prescribed a cream (that I was allergic to).  None of these treatments and procedures have helped my pelvic pain at all so far.

1f48bc94-3879-4cf7-aa1a-305e52ba38c0Today’s appointment was with my gynecologist.  It was a follow-up visit to touch base on my pain and issues after urology and physical therapy have run their course.  We discussed all of the procedures and the fact that they have not worked.  We discussed my symptoms and the excruciating pain that usually takes me off my feet and quite often lands me on the floor.  When asked, I told her that I would like her to do the laparoscopy to see if this is either endometriosis or adhesions.  While agreeing with me that the problem is most likely adhesions from my 3 c-sections and my tubal ligation, she still flat refused to go in and look.  She said that if it is adhesions, and that’s her highest suspicion, performing another surgery would cause more adhesions and she’s just not willing to do that to me.  As far as endometriosis, she stated that she would only go in and surgically remove it if I were trying to get pregnant, but since my child-bearing years have passed, she won’t do the procedure.   She dismissed my concerns, asked if I see a therapist, then recommended that I go home, take the pain pills, and get used to my life the way that it is!

f5eb592b-651a-49e8-b2b0-cbfc167fbfb3I left that appointment nearly in tears.  I had put all of my hope into this particular doctor being the one to help me get away from the pain and off of the pills.  When I met her back in October for my first appointment, I had just been dumped off on her by one of her partners.  I was really upset about being dumped by yet another doctor, and she promised that she would not do that to me.  She gave me this big ole speech about how she’ll help me get to the bottom of it and if my uterus needed to be taken out she would personally take it out herself.  I saw her again a few months ago for a follow-up, then today she dumped me.  That’s the amount of effort that my case was worthy of to her.  I had 3 appointments total before she gave up and told me to succumb to my miserable, painful, depressed little life.  No compassion.  No empathy.  Not even the slightest amount of sympathy from her.  Nothing.

img_8753I have long been called the “complicated case” by more than one of my doctors and specialists.  I understand that my case is complicated by multiple autoimmune and chronic illnesses, but for some crazy reason I still operate under the assumption that my life and the quality of that life should matter to the doctors that have sworn to help people just like me.  Being the complicated case should not be reason enough to drop me as a patient.  I am extremely compliant in every single thing that my doctors ask me to do.  Not one of them has a good reason to drop me, but because I’m a liability on state insurance, my life doesn’t matter.  Try to wake up every morning with a positive attitude when those that can save you absolutely refuse to do so.  This is my reality.  This is my nightmare.  This is healthcare in the United States of America.  This is my life now.  Sitting around waiting to die…

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