I’m all in my head and desperately need an outlet. I’ve got a thousand things on my mind and the rapid-cycling thoughts just won’t give me a break. I survived this week’s esophageal surgery which was supposed to have made it easier to eat. Well, so far it’s not looking so good. The pain and swelling seem to have subsided, but eating still feels just as difficult as ever. The doctor said that the benefit of the surgery should be felt immediately, so I’m just a bit disappointed that my struggles and troubles will continue – at least for now.
As much as surgeries suck, the one good thing from having surgery is all of the loving attention my other half gives me. Y’all… I landed me an amazing man. This man is the most caring, compassionate, nurturing man that I have ever known. I was young and healthy when I met and married him, but my health did not last. Fortunately for me, this man took our wedding vows very seriously and often reminds me of them when I ask why he doesn’t leave me now that I am sick. Of course, it would literally kill me if he chose to leave, but I would understand. I know that I am quite the burden now, but he NEVER lets me feel like one. He’s been doting on and spoiling me for three days now, but tomorrow he must return to work. My side effects and symptoms from the surgery are gone now, so I’ll be back to my Amazon carpool obligations in the morning.
The next big date in my autoimmune life is August 9th. That is the date of the cystoscopy with hydrodistention. This particular procedure is supposed to help with my chronic, incessant bladder pain. Basically, they are going to fill my bladder with fluid and stretch it beyond its capacity. I don’t understand how or why, but this is supposed to stop my bladder pain and other urinary symptoms that I struggle with. I have a very dear friend who just had this procedure done for the same bladder disease that I have and she swears by it! She highly recommended it to me and in my desperation I agreed to try it out. It’s my understanding that the recovery process can be extremely painful, but after all of the pains I have suffered and struggled with, I’m willing to try just about anything that might help.
I have been dealt a difficult hand to play… there is no doubt about that. I’m far too young to be this sick and to have to deal with as much medical crap as I do. I could take that and make it my very valid reason for being a bitter, old bitch, or I can do the best that I can and live my life to its fullest. If I did not have Michael by my side, I would most definitely become bitter, but having him by my side gives me a reason to live this life, a reason to carry on, a reason to keep trying when I just want to quit. The prognoses for my diseases are not good. I have two rare, often fatal diseases and the reality is that I would probably have a shorter life than expected. Slowly and surely I’m becoming okay with this, but the ones that love me are still struggling with that fact… especially my youngest son.