I’ve been really down for the last week or so. I’ve been fighting yet another Interstitial Cystitis flare and I feel like it’s just about beat me down at this point. I’m usually pretty good at keeping my spirits up and not letting depression creep in, but this week I’m losing that battle. The pain from this flare is worse than the other flares that I have had in the past. Even my frequent urination and urgency are out of control. I can hardly sleep at night because I’m waking up every ten to fifteen minutes to go pee again. It’s downright exhausting, and not to mention frustrating to no end!
One of the problems that I have (and nobody else seems to be talking about) is the fact that I feel like less of a woman. When my pain gets this bad, I’m unable to satisfy my responsibilities both as a wife and as a mother. I feel guilty for everything that my husband and children have to do for me and for all of the things that I’m no longer able to do, which leads to more of a depression. I’m fighting an uphill battle and I’m losing.
The stress that I’m dealing with is starting to have an affect on my marriage and family life. My husband is constantly worrying about me and my health. My kids are acting out every which way they can these days and I just feel like I’m losing control of my life from every direction. Their grades are slipping and their language and other behaviors are less than preferable. I spend more time breaking up fights between my teenage sons than anything else. This is not what I imagined my life to be at 37 years old. I’m supposed to be in my prime right now… living my best life, not sitting around waiting to die.
In all of my stress, I always try to remember all of the blessings that I have, too. Of course, my life is not all bad. I have an amazing husband who loves me to death and who would literally doing anything in the world for me. He takes really good care of me, never misses an appointment, lets me rant and rave and vent about any and everything that is bothering me. I appreciate the Hell out of him, but I grieve for how our lives should be. This is not what it was supposed to be like for him, either. He’s not supposed to be strapped down living life as a caregiver. We’re supposed to be working and saving for a future, watching our kids grow up and live their lives… not tracking symptoms and meds… making ten doctor visits a month. This is not the life I want and I have a really hard time accepting it sometimes.