I need to whine a bit today, and since this is my blog, that is exactly what I’m going to do… you’ve been warned! Ha! So… my Interstitial Cystitis flare is back with a vengeance today. Very rarely does my IC keep my up at night, but last night I was in a living Hell with it. All night long I tossed and turned, waking up in constant pain all throughout the night. My sleep was so terribly interrupted that I woke up with a migraine on top of everything else that I’m already dealing with. I just feel like I can’t win for losing these days!
There is an emotional toll that I pay each and every time I end up with a bladder pain flare. I don’t suffer with IC every single day like some unfortunate souls do, but when I do flare it’s worse than being in labor. I’m in a position today where I can’t even walk from my bedroom to the bathroom and they’re right next door to each other! The pain is beyond miserable and has me so depressed. I feel like a failure as a wife and a mother. I’m unable to get up and about and take care of the myriad of tasks and household chores with my name on them. I can’t cook or clean when I’m in pain like this, so I feel especially useless and worthless today which just adds to the depressive sentiment that my life has become lately. I’m fighting an uphill battle and losing – badly!
Normally my husband is an amazing source of support on days like today, but unfortunately, he’s a bit under the weather today and resting as well. This leaves me wondering what is to be when he can no longer care for me? He’s older than me and not in the best health, either. I spend a lot of time worrying about what is to come… I already require assistance with my daily hygiene and other tasks and I’m not even 40 yet. What’s going to happen to me when he can’t do it anymore, or even worse – if he dies before me? These thoughts and worries have plagued me since the day I was diagnosed with my autoimmune diseases. My life has basically been one long anxiety attack since that day back in 2018. I’ve never fully recovered from the news that I was given that day.
I’m having a bad day and everybody gets that way once in a while, right? So why am I beating myself up so bad over it? Usually I’m full of love and light and always have a positive thing to say, but today that part of me seems to be dead. There is no love and light in my soul today. It has been drained out and replaced with this incessant pelvic pain that is literally driving me insane! My life has to consist of more than pain pills and heating pads. I deserve a better quality of life than what I currently have and I don’t think I’m asking for too much, damn it! Ok. Rant over.