I had my second dose of Methotrexate today, and I am questioning my decision because it has made me rather sick this time. It didn’t kick in for the first several hours, but when it hit me it about knocked me down. I’m nauseous and shaky. I feel weak, like my legs aren’t strong enough to hold me up anymore. I feel like I’m as fragile as a glass rose and the slightest bump might crack me into a million pieces. I’m tired. It’s a kind of tired that I’ve not known. It’s worse than the usual fatigue that I suffer with. This tiredness stretches through to the soul. I’ve only been on this autoimmune journey for three years, and already I am so tired of all of the appointments, treatments and procedures. I don’t know how long I can keep up this fight, especially if it’s going to knock me down every week when I take my dose. I do have just a bit of a positive note here… I have noticed a drastic reduction in my joint pain, just in the first week of treatment. I don’t want to say for certain, but I do suspect that this medication is working. That hope is the only thing that gets me through the incessant sickness of my dose days.
I’ve been an emotional wreck today, which I’m learning to expect on dose days. I’m not quite sure why it affects me so much, but I struggle with out of control emotions in regards to my autoimmune diseases. I wasn’t looking for a diagnosis when I found out I was sick. I had no clue and thought that I was in the best health of my life. Other autoimmune warriors knew they were sick or that something was wrong long before a doctor finally listened to them. That was not the case with me. I didn’t even know what an autoimmune disease was until I was diagnosed with one. I remember asking the doctor what does that even mean and he had to explain it to me like I was a child. He wasn’t disrespectful or condescending when he did so, either. It’s hard to believe that it has already been three years since that day. I’m no better emotionally or mentally today, than I was on the day of my diagnosis. I’ve never fully processed it and I’m still struggling with that aspect of it all.
True to his form, Michael has been on the ball with taking care of me and handling everything that’s going on today. It’s been rough on him to see me getting so sick and knowing that there’s really not much that he can do for me. He wants to fix everything, but this time it’s not something that can be “fixed”. He has to just do what the doctors tell us to do. He has to give me the treatments that they recommend, even knowing that it will make me sick. It takes a certain kind of strength to do what must be done no matter how you feel about it, and he exhibits that more often than not. I hate that he has to do so much for me, but I am so appreciative that I have him here by my side as I go through the hardest fight of my life (so far). He’s the only reason that I force myself through these torturous treatments. I can’t leave him yet. I’m a dying woman, that is no secret, but I’m not ready to leave him behind yet so I fight. I take the medications, treatments and procedures because of our vows. He vowed to love me in sickness and in health, and that vow has been put to the test. He never fails or falters on that vow, so I owe him the love and honor of living my best life for as long as I can.
I’m learning what activities are good for dose days and what ones aren’t such a great idea. One of my favorite go-to activities anytime I’m feeling down is to write in my journal. I actually journal just about every day and I have several journal books that I have filled from end-to-end. It also feels nice to have a little visit on dose days but not a visit away from my house. With Methotrexate, you don’t want to go too far away from home. You’ll likely need the bathroom – a lot! If an actual visit isn’t possible, then a video chat visit can be almost as good. My Bestie tends to spend a lot of time on FaceTime with me… especially when I’m feeling unwell. She just lives around the corner but we still chat all day long from our respective houses, but today she popped in to have me braid her hair and it was kind of the highlight of my day! Of course we visited for way longer than it took to do her hair and visits with my Bestie are my favorite way to spend the day. I don’t get close with very many people but she’s been a part of my life for so long that I hardly remember a time without her there.