After taking a writing hiatus, I’m back with an update… well, kind of… Honestly, I don’t have much of an update. I have been in hiding from my doctors, avoiding tests and procedures and falling further and further into my depression. My head has been in a dark place ever since my rheumatologist prescribed the Methotrexate for my Scleroderma. Realizing that my diseases are progressing to a point that requires medical intervention is scary as Hell, and being put on low-dose chemotherapy isn’t helping to ease my fears.
I have been avoiding all of my specialists for the last few months, but this week I’m going to get into gear and start calling the various offices to schedule the necessary appointments. I had enough of a break, and it’s time to get back to taking care of me. I’ve let a lot of my self-care slip lately, and it’s time to change that as well. I’ve spent the last few months enjoying time with my family, but if I don’t start taking care of myself I won’t be around to spend more time with them.
My body has finally adjusted to the Methotrexate. in the beginning, my liver levels and platelets were all over the place, but everything has stabilized and is in the normal range now which is great! Negatively affecting my PBC is the biggest concern with this medication and so far everything looks great there. I still get a little nauseous when I take it every Wednesday, but the effect of that is usually gone by bedtime, then I feel pretty decent for the next several days. By the weekend I’m starting to feel the joint pain and stiffness again and I know it’s almost time for my next dose. My biggest complaint with the Methotrexate is the fact that my bladder disease, Interstitial Cystitis, has been absolutely out of control since I went on this immune suppressant. All of my doctors have told me that’s not possible, but I’m telling you it’s causing the pain!
My mental health has taken a major hit lately. I was doing great through the holidays, which is extremely rare, but once January hit it was like the end of the world to me. I’m constantly sad for no reason, no energy, I don’t want to talk to anyone or spend time with any of my friends. I haven’t even taken many phone calls lately. I’ve been slacking on all of my housework and other responsibilities. I’m trying to pull myself out of this slump, but that’s easier said than done.
The highlight of the last few months has been our new addition. Our roommate’s dogs had a litter of puppies and I adopted one as my emotional support animal. I already have his paperwork all taken care of and he’s good and legal! He’s a Rottweiler mix and is truly the center of my Universe these days. When I’m sad, cuddling him helps. When I feel lonely, I have him to talk to. When I’m home alone, it’s a little less scary with him by my side. Watching him grow and develop has been the light of my life lately and I’m so grateful for him.
Michael has had his hands pretty busy with me lately, but that’s par for the course at this point in my autoimmune life. It seems like he’s always putting out a fire in my life, or getting ready to save me from the next big crisis in my head. I hate how unfair all of this is to him. I feel so guilty for the fact that he has to take care of me instead of living a normal life with a wife and children. He deserves a normal home life with normal activities, instead of constantly seeking medical and mental health care for me. He should be able to go to work and not have to worry about what’s happening to me while he’s gone, or wondering if he’s gonna come home and find me at the hospital or in the middle of some kind of medical issue. It’s always something in my world and it gets so very exhausting. As frustrating as all of this is, I remain grateful to have Michael in my life, taking care of me and helping me through all of this insanity.