The High Price of a Good Day

b44e893a-faea-445c-ae01-b8f2cdd2ba4cI had three great days in a row!  My pain was almost non-existent and my mood and energy were pretty good, too.  Unfortunately, my autoimmune diseases decided to come back with a vengeance and I’m now lying in bed begging the Universe for some relief.  This is the sad reality for me and millions of other Americans that suffer and struggle with autoimmune disease and/or chronic illness.  We have to count our spoons, or energy, and budget them accordingly.  Some days it’s just not possible to keep up with life’s demands.  When I’m unable to keep up with life and all that it requires, I get in my head and start feeling like the lowest lifeform in existence.  It’s a sad cycle of self-bullying and abuse and I just don’t know how to make it stop.  I start to hate myself simply for getting sick so young.  I constantly berate myself for my failings and beat myself up for no real reason, and today is definitely one of those days that I struggle the most.

1f413990-8f57-419a-bd48-85126a6bdffcI was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and PTSD over 20 years ago, and it has never gotten any easier to deal with.  My anxiety controls my life most of the time, and I’m yet to learn how to cope with it.  I have a new therapist that I’m working with, and so far it’s going great.  We’re working on a new workbook for my past abuse and traumas and for the first time in my life I have the smallest amount of hope that this will actually help me.  My therapist is an amazing human being who knows how to make me feel comfortable, and doesn’t feel the need to judge me or say things just to get a reaction out of me.  She’s very real.  She’s lived a life that brought its own traumas, so she really gets it.  I’m so glad the Universe finally gave me a chance to try and heal myself.

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I’ve been doing well on the Methotrexate (finally!) and I’m even noticing a slight improvement in my joint pain and fatigue.  I don’t get as sick on it as I used to in the beginning, so that is definitely a blessing!  It’s given me a bit of an appetite, even though it’s supposed to be an appetite suppressant, I’m experiencing the opposite reaction.  To be honest, I’m pretty upset with the weight that I’ve gained and that has added some self-worth and self-esteem problems for me lately.  I was really starting to enjoy having a normal body weight, but like all good things it came to an end.  Considering the risks and side effects of this medication, I’ll take the weight gain and shut up about it!  Ha!

f5dac790-8fd9-45ce-ad15-006f73538412Michael has had a hard time taking care of me lately.  He never gives up on me, even when I’m less than agreeable.  I don’t make things easy on him, and I carry so much guilt and shame over that, but somehow he manages to keep me in one piece – mentally and physically.  He does so much for me and that makes me feel really guilty, too.  I don’t like how unfair it is that Michael has to do just about everything for me.  I can’t even wash my hair without his help!  Do you know how embarrassing that is?  I’m only 38 years old – I shouldn’t have this much trouble already.  I’m eternally grateful that he is more than willing to help me, but it shouldn’t have to be this way.  I had hopes and plans for a much better life.  A life worth living.  A life that I could be proud of.  This was not in my plans!  Every time I get upset with Michael for having to take care of me, he simply reminds me of our wedding vows, “In sickness, and in health” really meant something to this man when he said it.  He’s 11 years older than me, so we both assumed that he’d get sick first and I’d be the one to take care of him.  Somewhere along the way everything got all messed up and flipped upside down.  It’s just not fair…

a0bf5ed3-ae96-40a0-b486-45f86f8815faAll of the stress that I’ve been putting myself through has started one Hell of an Interstitial Cystitis flare.  My bladder feels like I swallowed battery acid and even water is making it burn worse.  I try to keep myself as calm and as relaxed as possible in order to avoid another flare, but clearly I have failed miserably this time.  I’m so sick and tired of having bladder pain.  My urologist said that I *might* be able to get my bladder surgery done by the middle of the month, but I’m not holding my breath on that actually happening.  Our local hospitals have been forced to cancel all elective surgeries, due to COVID-19, so here I sit in pain waiting even longer.  I’ve been waiting for this surgery since last August and they still can’t even schedule me in.  Thanks, Governor Inslee, for screwing up my life even more for the last 6 months or so.  Ugh!  When will I ever catch a break?

Stay safe everyone! Brightest blessings to one and all with love and light now and always!!

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