Surprise Diagnosis: A Mental Health Update

aa28b733-4080-4fce-8991-0a3d990f01e9I’ve got something on my mind, and I’m not quite sure how to go about sharing it with you all here.  You see, something happened and I kept it inside for 6 weeks.  I didn’t even tell my best friend or my husband, and I never, ever keep secrets from those two people.  I’m embarrassed… I’m ashamed… I’m scared of what it all means and how everyone will react and what they will think of me.  There’s a stigma with mental health issues and it’s hard to be fully honest here when I face the possibility of being ostracized, teased, bullied, etc.  This is a hard, mean world and it’s scary for me to try and put myself out here like this, but I’ve always promised all of my followers that I would be 100% honest and that I won’t hold back here.  So, here goes…

9bee65f2-a03b-4b18-a6fa-455e0788d5a9About 6 weeks ago I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and for the first time ever I got emotional during our appointment.  I got upset.  I was crying and being super honest with her for the first time.  She adjusted my medicine and said nothing about a new diagnosis, but when I read the “After Visit Summary” I was met with a surprise diagnosis… Borderline Personality Disorder.  He heart stopped.  My stomach twisted.  I couldn’t believe that those words were being used to describe me.  I couldn’t bring myself to tell my husband for over a month, and when I finally told him I was in tears.  It was the first time I ever said it out loud and I broke down instantly, right there in his arms.

I spent a month researching this new diagnosis, trying to convince myself that my doctor is mistaken, certainly this couldn’t be right.  Paper after paper, article after article, all described me pretty accurately.  These things are not easy for me to admit here, but honesty is extremely important to me and I can’t help others if I don’t start by raising awareness about it.  I finally accepted the fact that I have this condition, but I’m not terribly pleased to have yet another label placed on my file.  That’s always rather upsetting for me.

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As always, Michael shows his true nature amidst my crisis.  When I broke down about it, he just put me in his arms and rubbed my hair and assured me that this diagnosis means nothing.  He still loves me and doesn’t care what they want to call it.  I’ve struggled with mental health issues my whole life and he’s been a part of mine for almost twenty years now.  These symptoms are not new, but they are definitely worse since I got sick with my autoimmune diseases.  I don’t know if the two are related, but I’m bound and determined to find out. Every time I hit an emotional outburst, I am surprised by Michael’s acceptance, understanding and compassion.  When I have a meltdown, I get nasty.  I say things that I don’t mean.  I cry uncontrollably.  I get super depressed and my self-image is affected.  I feel worthless and unworthy of love.  Every single time, Michael gets me through it.  Every single time.  He has never failed me.  His love and loyalty has never faltered.  Not even once.  In my worst struggles and battles, I take comfort that the Universe saw fit to bless me with him.  At least I have that on my side!

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